What effect did Ebby's message have
on you?
Answer
Well, by this time I knew how hopeless my
alcoholism was, and yet I still rebelled -
the idea of a dependency on some intangible
God who might not even be there. Oh, if I
could swallow it, but could I! I went on
drinking for a number of days and gradually
I got jittery enough to think about the
hospital and then it came to me "Of a
sudden" one day - "Fool! - why should you
question how you're going to get well, why
should beggars be choosers? If you had a
cancer and you were sure of it and your
physician said "This is so malignant that we
can't touch it with our art and even if your
physician came along with the improbable
story that there were many who got over
cancer by standing on their head in the
public square crying 'Amen' and if he could
really make a case that it was so, yes Bill
Wilson, if you had cancer, you too would be
out in the public square ignominiously
standing on your head and crying 'Amen'-
anything to stop the growth of those cells
and that would be the first priority, and
your pride would have to go."
And then I asked myself "Is my case
different now? Have I not an allergy of the
body; have I not a cancer of the emotions -
yes, and maybe I have a cancer of the soul
which has resulted in an obsession which
condemns me to drink and an increasing
tolerance of liquor which condemns me to go
mad or die. Yes, I'm going to try this. And
then there was one more flicker of obstinacy
when I said to myself, "But I don't want any
of these evangelical experiences, I mean it
will have to be a kind of intellectual
religion that I'll get, so just to be sure
that I don't go into my emotional tizzy, I
believe I'll go up to see dear old Dr.
Silkworth and have him dry me out. (Memphis,
Tenn., Sept. 18-20, 1947) .
Another Answer
What then did happen at that kitchen table?
Perhaps this speculation were better left to
medicine and religion. I confess I do not
know. Possibly conversion will never be
fully understood.
My friend's story had generated mixed
emotions; I was drawn and revolted by turns.
My solitary drinking went on, but I could
not forget his visit. Several themes coursed
in my mind: First, that his evident state of
release was strangely and immensely
convincing. Second, that he had been
pronounced hopeless by competent medicos.
Third, that those old-age precepts, when
transmitted by him, had struck me with great
power. Fourth, I could not, and would not,
go along with any God concept. No conversion
nonsense for me. Thus did I ponder. Trying
to divert my thoughts, I found it no use. By
cords of understanding, suffering, and
simple verity, another alcoholic had bound
me to him. I shall not break away. (Amer J.
Psychiat., Vol.106, 1949) .
Another Answer
He first told me his drinking experience,
accent on its more recent horrors, Of course
his identification with me was immediate,
and as it proved, deep and vital indeed. One
alcoholic was talking with another as no one
except an alcoholic can. Then he offered me
his naively simple recovery formula. Not one
syllable was new, but somehow it affected me
profoundly.
There he sat, recovered. An example of what
he preached. You will note that his only
dogma was God, which for my benefit he
stretched into an accommodating phrase, a
Power greater than myself. That was his
story. I could take it or leave it. I need
feel no obligation to him. Indeed, he
observed, I was doing him a favor by
listening. Besides it was obvious that he
had something more than ordinary "water
wagon" sobriety. He looked and acted
"released"; repression had not been his
answer. Such was the impact of an alcoholic
who really knew the score. (N.Y. State J.
Med., Vol.50, July 1950)
