Contents
Chapter 9
The Family
Afterward
Our women folk have
suggested certain attitudes a wife may take with the husband who
is recovering. Perhaps they created the impression that he is to
be wrapped in cotton wool and placed on a pedestal. Successful
readjustment means the opposite. All members of the family
should meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding
and love. This involves a process of deflation. The alcoholic,
his wife, his children, his "in-laws," each one is likely to
have fixed ideas about the family's attitude towards himself or
herself. Each is interested in having his or her wishes
respected. We find the more one member of the family demands
that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become.
This makes for discord and unhappiness.
And why? Is it not
because each wants to play the lead? Is not each trying to
arrange the family show to his liking? Is he not unconsciously
trying to see what he can take from the family life rather than
give?
Cessation of drinking is
but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal
condition. A doctor said to us, "Years of lining with an
alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The
entire family is, to some extent, ill." Let families realize, as
they start their journey, that all will not be fair weather.
Each in his turn may be footsore and may straggle.
There will be alluring
shortcuts and by-paths down which they may wander and lose their
way.
Suppose we tell you some
of the obstacles a family will meet; suppose we suggest how they
may be avoided -- even converted to good use for
others. The family of an alcoholic longs for the return of
happiness and security. They remember when father was romantic,
thoughtful and successful. Today's life is measured against that
of other years and, when it falls short, the family may be
unhappy.
Family confidence in dad
is rising high. The good old days will soon be back, they think.
Sometimes they demand that dad bring them back instantly! God,
they believe, almost owes this recompense on a long overdue
account. But the head of the house has spent years in pulling
down the structures of business, romance, friendship,
health -- these things are now ruined or damaged. It will
take time to clear away the wreck. Though the old buildings will
eventually be replaced by finer ones, the new structures will
take years to complete.
Father knows he is to
blame; it may take him many seasons of hard work to be restored
financially, but he shouldn't be reproached. Perhaps he will
never have much money again. But the wise family will admire him
for what he is trying to be, rather than for what he is trying
to get.
Now and then the family
will be plagued by spectres from the past, for the drinking
career of almost every alcoholic has been marked by escapades,
funny, humiliating, shameful or tragic. The first impulse will
be to bury these skeletons in a dark closet and padlock the
door. The family may be possessed by the idea that future
happiness can be based only upon forgetfulness of the past. We
think that such a view is self-centered and in direct conflict
with the new way of living.
Henry Ford once made a
wise remark to the effect that experience is the thing of
supreme value is life. That is true only if one is willing to
turn the past to good account. We grow by our willingness to
face and rectify errors and convert them into assets. The
alcoholic's past thus becomes the principal asset of the family
and frequently it is almost the only one!
This painful past may be
of infinite value to other families still struggling with their
problem. We think each family which has been relieved owes
something to those who have not, and when the occasion requires,
each member of it should be only too willing to bring former
mistakes, no matter how grievous, out of their hiding places.
Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very
thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. Cling to
the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest
possession you have -- the key to life and
happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for
them.
It is possible to dig up
past misdeeds so they become a blight, a veritable plague. For
example, we know of situations in which the alcoholic or his
wife have had love affairs. In the first flush of spiritual
experience they forgave each other and drew closer together. The
miracle of reconciliation was at hand. Then, under one
provocation or another, the aggrieved one would unearth the old
affair and angrily cast its ashes about. A few of us have had
these growing pains and they hurt a great deal. Husbands and
wives have sometimes been obliged to separate for a time until
new perspective, new victory over hurt pride could be rewon. In
most cases, the alcoholic survived this ordeal without relapse,
but not always. So we think that unless some good and useful
purpose is to be served, past occurrences should not be
discussed.
We families of Alcoholics
Anonymous keep few skeletons in the closet. Everyone knows about
the others' alcoholic troubles. This is a condition which, in
ordinary life, would produce untold grief; there might be
scandalous gossip, laughter at the expense of other people, and
a tendency to take advantage of intimate information. Among us,
these are rare occurrences. We do talk about each other a great
deal, but we almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of
love and tolerance.
Another principle we
observe carefully is that we do not relate intimate experiences
of another person unless we are sure he would approve. We find
it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories. A man may
criticize to laugh at himself and it will affect others
favorably, but criticism or ridicule coming from another often
produce the contrary effect. Members of a family should watch
such matters carefully, for one careless, inconsiderate remark
has been known to raise the very devil. We alcoholics are
sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow
that serious handicap.
Many alcoholics are
enthusiasts. They run to extremes. At the beginning of recovery
a man will take, as a rule, one of two directions. He may either
plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or
he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks
of little else. In either case certain family problems will
arise. With these we have had experience galore.
We think it dangerous if
he rushes headlong at his economic problem. The family will be
affected also, pleasantly at first, as they feel their money
troubles are about to be solved, then not so pleasantly as they
find themselves neglected. Dad may be tired at night and
preoccupied by day. He may take small interest in the children
and may show irritation when reproved for his delinquencies. If
not irritable, he may seem dull and boring, not gay and
affectionate as the family would like him to be. Mother may
complain of inattention. They are all disappointed, and often
let him feel it. Beginning with such complaints, a barrier
arises. He is straining every nerve to make up for lost time. He
is striving to recover fortune and reputation and feels he is
doing very well.
Sometimes mother and
children don't think so. Having been neglected and misused in
the past, they think father owes them more than they are
getting. They want him to make a fuss over them. They expect him
to give them the nice times they used to have before he drank so
much, and to show his contrition for what they suffered. But dad
doesn't give freely of Himself. Resentment grows. He becomes
still less communicative. Sometimes he explodes over a trifle.
The family is mystified. They criticize, pointing out how he is
falling down on his spiritual program.
This sort of thing can be
avoided. Both father and the family are mistaken, though each
side may have some justification. It is of little use to argue
and only makes the impasse worse. The family must realize that
dad, though marvelously improved, is still convalescing. They
should be thankful he is sober and able to be of this world once
more. Let them praise his progress. Let them remember that his
drinking wrought all kinds of damage that may take long to
repair. If they sense these things, they will not take so
seriously his periods of crankiness, depression, or apathy,
which will disappear when there is tolerance, love, and
spiritual understanding.
The head of the house
ought to remember that he is mainly to blame for what befell his
home. He can scarcely square the account in his lifetime. But he
must see the danger of over- concentration on financial success.
Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we
found we could not place money first. For us, material
well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never
preceded.
Since the home has
suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert
himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if
he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We
know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is
getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them
so.
As each member of a
resentful family begins to see his shortcomings and admits them
to the others, he lays a basis for helpful discussion. These
family talks will be constructive if they can be carried on
without heated argument, self-pity, self- justification or
resentful criticism. Little by little, mother and children will
see they ask too much, and father will see he gives too little.
Giving, rather than getting, will become the guiding principle.
Assume on the other hand
that father has, at the outset, a stirring spiritual experience.
Overnight, as it were, he is a different man. He becomes a
religious enthusiast. He is unable to focus on anything else. As
soon as his sobriety begins to be taken as a matter of course,
the family may look at their strange new dad with apprehension,
then with irritation. There is talk about spiritual matters
morning, noon and night. He may demand that the family find God
in a hurry, or exhibit amazing indifference to them and say he
is above worldly considerations. He may tell mother, who has
been religious all her life, that she doesn't know what it's all
about, and that she had better get his brand of spirituality
while there is yet time.
When father takes this
tack, the family may react unfavorably. The may be jealous of a
God who has stolen dad's affections. While grateful that he
drinks no more, they may not like the idea that God has
accomplished the miracle where they failed. They often forget
father was beyond human aid. They may not see why their love and
devotion did not straighten him out. Dad is not so spiritual
after all, they say. If he means to right his past wrongs, why
all this concern for everyone in the world but his family? What
about his talk that God will take care of them? They suspect
father is a bit balmy!
He is not so unbalanced
as they might think. Many of us have experienced dad's elation.
We have indulged in spiritual intoxication. Like a gaunt
prospector, belt drawn in over the ounce of food, our pick
struck gold. Joy at our release from a lifetime of frustration
knew no bounds. Father feels he has struck something better than
gold. For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself.
He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a limitless
lode which will pay dividends only if he mines it for the rest
of his life and insists on giving away the entire product.
If the family cooperates,
dad will soon see that he is suffering from a distortion of
values. He will perceive that his spiritual growth is lopsided,
that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which
does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect
after all. If the family will appreciated that dad's current
behavior is but a phase of his development, all will be well. In
the midst of an understanding and sympathetic family, these
vagaries of dad's spiritual infancy will quickly disappear.
The opposite may happen
should the family condemn and criticize. Dad may feel that for
years his drinking has placed him on the wrong side of every
argument, but that now he has become a superior person with God
on his side. If the family persists in criticism, this fallacy
may take a still greater hold on father. Instead of treating the
family as he should, he may retreat further into himself and
feel he has spiritual justification for so doing.
Though the family does
not fully agree with dad's spiritual activities, they should let
him have his head. Even if he displays a certain amount of
neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to
let him go as far as he like in helping other alcoholics. During
those first days of convalescence, this will do more to insure
his sobriety than anything else. Though some of his
manifestations are alarming and disagreeable, we think dad will
be on a firmer foundation than the man who is placing business
or professional success ahead of spiritual development. He will
be less likely to drink again, and anything is preferable to
that.
Those of us who have
spent much time in the world of spiritual make-believe have
eventually seen the childishness of it. This dream world has
been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a
growing consciousness of the power of God in our lives. We have
come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds
with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth.
That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our
work must be done. These are the realities for us. We have found
nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and
a life of sane and happy usefulness.
One more suggestion:
Whether the family has spiritual convictions or not, they may do
well to examine the principles by which the alcoholic member is
trying to live. They can hardly fail to approve these simple
principles, though the head of the house still fails somewhat in
practicing them. Nothing will help the man who is off on a
spiritual tangent so much as the wife who adopts a sane
spiritual program, making a better practical use of it.
There will be other
profound changes in the household. Liquor incapacitated father
for so many years that mother became head of the house. She met
these responsibilities gallantly. By force of circumstances, she
was often obliged to treat father as a sick or wayward child.
Even when he wanted to assert himself he could not, for his
drinking placed him constantly in the wrong. Mother made all the
plans and gave the directions. When sober, father usually
obeyed. Thus mother, through no fault of her own, became
accustomed to wearing the family trousers. Father, coming
suddenly to life again, often begins to assert himself. This
means trouble, unless the family watches for these tendencies in
each other and comes to a friendly agreement about them.
Drinking isolates most
homes from the outside world. Father may have laid aside for
years all normal activities -- clubs, civic duties,
sports. When he renews interest in such things, a feeling of
jealousy may arise. The family may feel they hold a mortgage on
dad, so big that no equity should be left for outsiders. Instead
of developing new channels of activity for themselves, mother
and children demand that he stay home and make up the
deficiency.
At the very beginning,
the couple ought to frankly face the fact that each will have to
yield here and there if the family is going to play an effective
part in the new life. Father will necessarily spend much time
with other alcoholics, but this activity should be balanced. New
acquaintances who know nothing of alcoholism might be made and
thoughtful considerations given their needs. The problems of the
community might engage attention. Though the family has no
religious connections, they may wish to make contact with or
take membership in a religious body.
Alcoholics who have
derided religious people will be helped by such contacts. Being
possessed of a spiritual experience, the alcoholic will find he
has much in common with these people, though he may differ with
them on many matters. If he does not argue about religion, he
will make new friends and is sure to find new avenues of
usefulness and pleasure. He and his family can be a bright spot
in such congregations. He may bring new hope and new courage to
many a priest, minister, or rabbi, who gives his all to minister
to our troubled world. We intend the foregoing as a helpful
suggestion only. So far as we are concerned, there is nothing
obligatory about it. As non-denominational people, we cannot
make up others' minds for them. Each individual should consult
his own conscience.
We have been speaking to
you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing
with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If
newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they
wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try
not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do
we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders. When we see a
man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give him first
aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we do
recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of
us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of
others find we are soon overcome by them.
So we think cheerfulness
and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes
shocked when we bust into merriment over a seemingly tragic
experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have
recovered, and have been given the power to help others.
Everybody know that those
in bad health, and those who seldom play, do not laugh much. So
let each family play together or separately as much as their
circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy,
joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that his
life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many
of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn't
do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if
trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to
demonstrate His omnipotence.
Now about health: A body
badly burned by alcohol does not often recover overnight nor do
twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling. We are
convinced that a spiritual mode of living is a most powerful
health restorative. We, who have recovered from serious
drinking, are miracles of mental health. But we have seen
remarkable transformations in our bodies. Hardly one of our
crowd now shows any dissipation.
But this does not mean
that we disregard human health measures. God has abundantly
supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and
practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitated to take your
health problems to such persons. Most of them give freely of
themselves, that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies.
Try to remember that though God has wrought miracles among us,
we should never belittle a good doctor or psychiatrist. Their
services are often indispensable in treating a newcomer and in
following his case afterward.
One of the many doctors
who had the opportunity of reading this book in manuscript form
told us that the use of sweets was often helpful, of course
depending upon a doctor's advice. He thought all alcoholic
should constantly have chocolate available for its quick energy
value at times of fatigue. He added that occasionally in the
night a vague craving arose which would be satisfied by candy.
Many of us have noticed a tendency to eat sweets and have found
this practice beneficial.
A word about sex
relations. Alcohol is so sexually stimulating to some men that
they have over-indulged. Couples are occasionally dismayed to
find that when drinking is stopped the man tends to be impotent.
Unless the reason is understood, there may be an emotional
upset. Some of us had this experience, only to enjoy, in a few
months, a finer intimacy than ever. There should be no hesitancy
in consulting a doctor or psychologist if the condition
persists. We do not know of many cases where this difficulty
lasted long.
The alcoholic may find it
hard to re-establish friendly relations with his children. Their
young minds were impressionable while he was drinking. Without
saying so, they may cordially hate him for what he has done to
them and to their mother. The children are sometimes dominated
by a pathetic hardness and cynicism. They cannot seem to forgive
and forget. This may hang on for months, long after their mother
has accepted dad's new way of living and thinking.
In time they will see
that he is a new man and in their own way they will let him know
it. When this happens, they can be invited to join in morning
meditation and then they can take part in the daily discussion
without rancor or bias. From that point on, progress will be
rapid. Marvelous results often follow such a reunion.
Whether the family goes
on a spiritual basis or not, the alcoholic member has to if he
would recover. The others must be convinced of his new status
beyond the shadow of a doubt. Seeing is believing to most
families who have lived with a drinker.
Here is a case in point:
One of our friends is a heavy smoker and coffee drinker. There
was no doubt he over- indulged. Seeing this, and meaning to be
helpful, his wife commenced to admonish him about it. He
admitted he was overdosing these things, but frankly said that
he was not ready to stop. His wife is one of those persons who
really feels there is something rather sinful about these
commodities, so she nagged, and her intolerance finally threw
him into a fit of anger. He got drunk.
Of course our friend was
wrong -- dead wrong. He had to painfully admit that
and mend his spiritual fences. Though he is now a most effective
member of Alcoholics Anonymous, he still smokes and drinks
coffee, but neither his wife nor anyone else stands in judgment.
She sees she was wrong to make a burning issue out of such a
matter when his more serious ailments were being rapidly cured.
We have three little
mottoes which are apropos. Here they are:
- First Things
First
- Live and Let
Live
- Easy Does It
|
